Well, it’s been a while since I blogged last. Nearly two weeks. I’m not sure, really, why it’s been that long. The day after my last post, I left for a trip to Houston, and got back the following Tuesday. Then there was LOTS of work to get caught up on, both at the office, and at church… But, that’s that, now’s now, and I’m ready to post again.
The focus of my thoughts for the past couple weeks, off and on, have been on the issue of marriage. Of course, we all know the negative focus afforded that topic in this past mudslinging fest, also known as an election. That probably got my mind on the topic.
Then, at the retreat I was on in Houston, we (a group of 52 mostly GLBTIEtc folk) shared the facility with International Marriage Encounter. The first night there, we were lectured on the importance of NOT displaying public affection for each other. Instead we were subjected to the PDA’s of straight couples. This irritated me immensely. But that angst is not the topic of this column today, so the heck with it.
Since returning from Houston, I’ve been reading the blog of a guy who was getting married last weekend. He posted many endearing blogs this past week as the excitement built, then some thoughts since the ceremony concluded.
So… marriage has been on my mind a lot, lately.
What, exactly IS marriage? And what is it we, as gay folk (and all the rest of the alphabetic cohorts of ours) want in marriage? Okay, I’m not going to answer those questions for anyone but myself. Obviously, I can’t answer for anyone else.
And my column is not the place for a scholarly evaluation of marriage, either. So if I leave something out, and you happen to come across this blog, see that something is missing, well… get over it. 😀
Very loosely stated, I see marriage comprising 3 elements, not all of which are present to each marriage.
First, marriage is between two individuals. It’s two people coming together and saying “We want to commit ourselves to each other, to living and loving together.” It’s probably, in this stage, mostly exclusive to the two. I say mostly exclusive, because I won’t rule out that some couples enter into this relationship with an open understanding that there will be others. That’s not part of what I want to discuss. So, marriage is between two people.
Second, marriage is the joining of two people together, as in the previous paragraph, in the sight of God or a Higher Power, and for these individuals, it is an agreement to honor their relationship with each other and God as a commitment of some type.
Third, marriage is the joining of two people together as sanctioned by the state.
And this is really the point that began my interest in this blog.
Call it sour grapes… the “Theology of Sour Grapes” or the “Politics of Sour Grapes” or just plain “Sour Grapes”. Either way, I just don’t see it.
Yes, it would be nice if I could enter into a marriage contract with my partner that is recognized by the state. It would be cheaper if I could, there’d be lots of convenience things, but that’s about it.
What’s important to me is the first two options. And I have those. I celebrated a Holy Union with my partner in 1997. That means that my relationship with Scott is every bit as valid as anyone who stood before a minister and was “officially” married.
The state has no business in marriage, and needs to get out.
On The Road II 
hey,i kinda figured you were talkin about me up there ??or maybe it’s my ego talking too?? I know marriage is a hot topic, but it wasn’t for ego or hubrus or pride that got us to the altar. It was specifically ( love ). To share that love with friends and family in a sacred space, that was the incredible fact !We lived through some incredibly dark times. ( we both had our Dark Night of the Soul experiences )both alone and together. Yeah, the perks are nice, but in reality, we are just any normal couple on the streets of Montreal. Yeah, we might walk a little taller, and the shoulders are up a bit farther, neither of us are hell bent on the ego monster. But the recognition of the Province IS important. The fact that it was “Right, Good, Blessed by God and was Legal,” meant alot to us and our guests hearing that One particular sentance at the onset of the service.Yeah, I made history coming from the United States. Being POZ 13 years and living to see that day was so emotional for me, let alone getting married. We set a precedent, for the young ones coming up that yes we can be married in a church, in front of God, and those present, make it sacred, and not get all flashy and “queer” if you know what i mean. We don’t hug and kiss in public either, that’s just not the way we operate. We kept the kiss at the wedding very simple and discreet to save my mother in law’s nerves… every step at the wedding was thought out and choreographed down to where we were standing and sitting in relation to where “SHE” was sitting. I respect your views, whether it be a holy union or a marriage …. the only thing that sets up apart from you in the U.S. is that Marriage IS legal, and binding on paper and in print here in Canada. But the holy union that you share with your partner is (Between You and HE ),less the state of which you reside. As long as you two love and care for each other for as long as you both shall live, IS what matters most. That is what counts.The piece of paper for us was the icing on our little wedding cake. It is framed right here on the wall over the computer. i’d have to find a willing soul with a scanner to to upload it into the computer. but, why bother. You see I have a disease, and legally, I wanted Peter to be able to call the shots, (not my parents, who want nothing to do with me but to see me dead and buried and forgotten!) and be safe and protected should either one of us get sick, hurt or god forbid die. The (Dec-50)(form) as it is so called, provides that protection for both of us, in hospital or death situations. We never took the position that WE were any better than anyone else for getting married. That is really not who we are as men and as lovers. But in Canada, Marriage IS legal. But it does not mean that we are any better than you are. we share that real love, that i think you have with your partner. please don’t think that this is an ego trip, cause it’s not. i think you know me from my writing. take care, and be good to one another. lovejeremy
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Hey Eric,it’s been a few weeks of tense emotions since the beginning of the month, but you have to remember that people have opinions. Some of them are worthless.Defending your relationship to an ignorant soul is pointless. What you share with Scott, is as every ounce valid as any other relatioship. And you should be proud of that. How many others do you know have such a good “husband” as you? i never took offense to your post, nor did i ever take the defensive when i responded. I just thought that who ever was reading this might Learn from OUR repsective “perspectives.” You see, people below the northern border just don’t get it. It’s all about that “piece of paper.” the one item that creates safety for Us as a couples, amid the storms of life. That is what the U.S. misses by far the most. The discussion is not about whats moral, but what THEY think will threaten the sanctity of marriage. And what I ask, is so sanctimonious about marriages that are based on money, looks, wealth and such, when WE love because we choose to – and choose WHO it is we love, not for who society or families choose for us?You should be proud that you have a parnter,lover,husband. many men don’t and are missing that which we have. and some are set off by that, like saying it is not real, and that we really don’t love, that its all about sex or something like that.Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one.Please remember this my friend.”when you rent space to people for free in your brain, then you are hostage to those thoughts and those people.” I do believe you are better than that, to let people like you say, get to you. You know the addage rise above it? I know that takes alot of time.Forgiveness and such is hard to come by if you don’t practice the Love God gives you. Know that you and Scott are always welcome in OUR world, here where life is different above the Northern border. Maybe you should think about it… although, that piece of paper won’t mean much down there, if it would really help your frame of mind, then come and do it.I’m sure Peter and I would stand up for you in front of God and the Church and your friends. I’d even point the way for you to help you “tie the Knot.” Peace be on you and Scott, and remember you are not alone. Love in ChristJeremy
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