To ….. or NOT to….

Ah, faithful reader… if there are any! It has been a while since last I wrote.

The past two weeks have been a time of contemplation, of soul-searching; of discouragement and defeat and of exhaustion. Not a time that I normally am able to create or write. My mind, during these times, pulls in on itself choosing to go into hibernation in order to rejuvenate.

My friend, my pastor, has resigned her position. My church has lost a valuable asset. This happened a week ago, and I haven’t been able to write about it… haven’t known what to write about it.

And truth told, I’m still not sure what to say. I’m not sure what my future at my church is, if there is one, or what.

It has brought so much to light, the anger I feel towards others, the disappointment I feel that after so much work done over the past several years, we still don’t know how as a congregation to behave towards each other. I’m not sure if I have the energy to try again.

And yet, I got an email today from someone, from a person that has taken to posting a daily thought (or thoughts) to a list I’m on. This individual’s thoughts are usually of the “ho, hum” variety. But today, the thought seemed to speak right TO me.

It was about forgiveness. Forgiveness is something I’m no stranger too. By and large, I forgive almost as fast as I get angry. I almost NEVER carry anger past bedtime. And even when I do, it generally only takes a few days.

But, there are some noteable differences. Right now, I wonder if I’ll EVER forgive those I perceive as being behind our current difficulties at church. And while I usually have no problem appending to the previous sentence a statement like “Well, I KNOW I will.” Right now, I can’t do that.

I’ve forgiven most people in my life. I’ve forgiven all my childhood hurts. I only remember ONE person from that period who wronged me, and I can’t feel anything other than pity and sadness for him.

I’ve forgiven just about everyone from my teens. In deed, I’ve forgiven all individuals that harmed me then, but still need to work on forgiveness toward them as a group… it’s coming. Sometimes forgiving means leaving. Choosing to put something behind me by not putting myself in a position to remember. Because remembering can sometimes be a strong fuel.

Heck. I have even forgiven the man who raped me when I was 17. What he did was wrong, but in a funny sort of way, he did me a small favor.

But I’ve never forgiven the archbishop of Omaha. I know I should, but I hold that anger like a warm blanket around me. I’ve allowed it to morph into a hatred that transcends mere anger. I’ve allowed the anger towards “that monk” at Conception to moulder about my feet.

I’ve even forgiven the people at St. Meinrad, fellow students, who harbored such hate. I look at them, their memories in my mind, and know they never knew they hated me… which I guess is part of my anger towards them… but I’ve forgiven that. That was MY problem, not theirs… no, not really.

But now I look at these folks at my church. I resent them so. In fact, it may well be that I hate some of them.

“Forgive us our sins, as WE forgive those who have harmed us.”

Yeah, I know. It’s time to remember that the end can come… most likely WILL come like a thief; I’ll not know the hour of it’s coming. To be harboring the hatreds and angers then will be a costly burden to bear. Will God look in to my heart and say “Well, you’ve done so much right, and so much wrong… and frankly, I can forgive you all your wrong, Eric. But YOU said to forgive you to the degree you forgive others… and you haven’t forgiven others.”

I fear that. I don’t fear answering to God for who I am, who I love. I fear answering to God for whom I DON’T love. And that’s sad. Because MY God is not one to be feared. MY God is one to look at, gaze upon in wonder and awe. Because MY God is a baby in a manger who lived to show ME how to live.

So, once again, I vow. I swear I WILL find it in me to forgive that bishop, that monk. That group of students who, as individuals were human, but as a herd (yes, a herd) were less than human to me. I forgive them too.

And tomorrow, I guess, I’ll forgive that bishop, that monk and that herd again. And the day after. And the day after. And then, maybe someday someone or something will remind me to forgive them all over again… because it took a lot of work to come to hate them this much; it stands to reason, it’ll take a lot of work to put that hate aside. Who knows… perhaps in forgiving, I’ll come to forgive the Roman Catholic Church, as well.

And those folks at church. I’ll work at not letting my anger grow to something that is crippling. And I’ll work to forgive them, too.

I wonder if they’ll put as much effort into forgiving me?