He’s BAAAaack!

Today, I went to church for the first time in a very long time.

Wait!  What?!?  What did you say?  You’re always talking about church, Eric!

Let’s backtrack a little and provide some background information.

For several years, now – more than I can remember really – I’ve not really felt… right.  I don’t know how to explain it, other than I just haven’t felt “right”.  I have talked about it every visit with my physician for years now.  It seemed like I had a permanent low-grade headache.  But beyond that my something just didn’t feel right about my head.  It’s weird, I don’t really have the words to describe what it felt like.  I described it as best I could though… it felt like my brain had shrunk, and was banging around inside my skull.

At this point I should pause and say that any comments from the peanut gallery are unwelcome.

Anyhow, I told my doctor this.  And I always felt like he was looking at me like I was some sort of alien.  I would go home, and nothing was ever done.  I always assumed that he couldn’t really do anything because I couldn’t give him any concrete explanations of what was wrong.

On top of it all, I have always been tired.  I say always… I mean for the past 10 years, I’m always tired.  I fall asleep at work… to the point I’ve had to talk to my boss about it.  I fight it.  I get up, I walk around, I go outside for fresh air.  I sit down, I start working and before I know it, I’m asleep.  It used to be I’d sleep for like 5 minutes, and wake up refreshed and ready to go.  No longer… I don’t know how long I sleep but it can be long.  At home at night, about 8:30, I start nodding off, and sleep sitting on the sofa until Scott wakes me up so that we can go to bed!  I go to bed at 10:25, fall asleep almost immediately, and sleep until 5:25 when I get up, whether I want to or not.

And my mood has been so grim.  People, in general, annoy me.  The only one who can really talk to me without me feeling resentful of the interruption is Scott.  I scowl at people to warn them away (it doesn’t always work.)

I wonder how people I know can like me.  I don’t like me.  I wonder how Scott could still love me as grumpy as I’ve been for several years now.

And my memory?  What memory?  I can’t remember things that were said 3 minutes ago.  Important dates?  Nope, can’t remember most of those… my birthday, yes.  Scott’s birthday, yes.  Our various anniversaries?  yup.  The day Mom died?  Yes.  My brothers or my sisters in law or uncles, aunts, cousins birthdays?  No.  Pardon the language, but my memory is just utter CRAP!  I tell people I’ll do this or be there or… well, you get the idea… all forgotten before I get home.  Sometimes forgotten before the conversation ends.

And then, I went back to the doctor in early September and as part of our conversation, I went through this litany all over again, especially the sleeping at work part.  And this time I know he listened.  He sent me for a Sleep Study.  (It was a class I was sure I’d pass… I got plenty of practice!

A week later, I was called and told I needed to go back for another one, a follow up.  On October 15, I went in for this second sleep study, I had to be attached to this CPAP machine thing.

A week later, my doctor informed me I have Sleep Apnea.  This doesn’t surprise me, actually.  I’ve had problems with Apnea most of my life; during the day I actually stop breathing frequently.  My body forces me to breathe and I sigh deeply.  So after my very first sleep study some 5 years ago, it was a bit surprising I wasn’t diagnosed then with Sleep Apnea.  Now, I’m told that based on the results of that first sleep study, and compared to my recent 2 sleep studies, I’ve probably been coping with Sleep Apnea for 7 and a half to ten years.

The past Wednesday, I went to pick up my CPAP machine.  It now sits next my bed.  That first night, I managed to get through about 3 hours before removing my mask.  The second night, I made it until 4:30.  Friday night, not so good, I only made it 2 hours or so.  Last night I almost made it to the end of my sleep period… I pulled it off about 5:15.

And so, this morning, I went back to church… and it was like going someplace I haven’t been in a VERY long time.  I staid awake through the sermon… AND LISTENED TO IT!  I met an greeted my friends, sought them out even and hugged them all!  One or two I hugged multiple times!  One guy who always hugs me and I get downright nasty with – I made a point out of giving him 4 hugs today… kind of like I was trying to make up for all those negative reactions.  I loved the music!  I didn’t notice ANY mistakes (like I can judge – I can’t carry a tune in a bucket!)  I was happy to be there!

I don’t know if this turn around after 4 nights will be long lasting or not.  I don’t care (okay, I do) I’ll take what I can get!  That head thing?  Gone.  The headache?  Gone.  And only time will tell this week if I stay awake!

And for the first time in 7 or more years, I can say “It’s a GREAT day!”