Mushy Stuff

In the early 1970’s, shortly after I started High School if memory serves, Mom & Dad discovered the Catholic Charismatic Renewal and dragged me along with them. I’m not sure, actually, how my own involvement began. Perhaps they actually DID drag me along. I suspect they, ahem, encouraged my attendance at first; eventually I know I attended because it was a powerful experience. I continued my association with them until the late 1980’s.

It was at one of our prayer meetings that I met a girl I’d eventually marry. We won’t go into that, though.

The CCR believed that the Baptism of the Holy Spirit and the Gifts of the Spirit which generally accompanied said baptism, as outline by Paul were not limited to biblical times or the first couple of centuries in the current era, but were still quite accessible.

I know as a young teenager brought up in a culture of competition, where everything one possessed or did had to be “greater” than what anyone else possessed or did.  I brought that competitiveness with me. And somehow, those teens involved in the CCR in my group brought that competitiveness to our prayer group! At some point we identified those gifts of the Spirit that were “greater” than other gifts. I’m sure Paul would have cringed at the concept of a hierarchy of Spiritual Gifts!

I no longer remember what, specifically, that hierarchy was. I know “speaking in tongues” was a bit higher up the chain, even though it seems like just about everyone received that gift. Yay me, I did. I want to add at this point that in those years, I fully believed in all these gifts. Today, I don’t honestly know. I haven’t “spoken” or “prayed” in tongues in 30 or more years. But I’m conscious that for a gift freely given, I seemed to have to work pretty darn hard at it! Is it a legit gift? I don’t know, and that’s not what today’s entry is about. Prophecy, I know, was just about at the peak, probably just behind healing, of that hierarchy! Oh, how I lusted after those two!

What I got, however, seriously disturbed me. And it’s the only gift (please note I am speaking solely in the context of my experiences of the CCR and my Baptism in the Holy Spirit) I really and confidently believe I received. That was the gift of tears.

I can recall being absolutely horrified to burst into tears during a prayer meeting! I was a 15-year-old boy for heaven’s sake! We Just.Did.Not.Cry.Period.Because.Period. Very uncool.

Over the years, this gift has manifested, not a lot, but it has manifested. And that manifestation has always been brought about by one concept.

LOVE.

Perhaps, I could go so far as to say that LOVE is also one of the gifts I received way back then… at least the propensity to sense love, to intuit love in so many situations. To intuit, to be specific, God’s Love.

I witnessed this once at a Christmas pageant, as I perceived the depth of God’s love for humanity at the birth of His Son.

I have witnessed this in churches, on the streets, watching television programs. In each I sense this love, and know that it flows from beyond whatever experience it is I am having, and that it flows from the Divine, from God’s Own Heart (capitals intended). Each recognition of this love brings tears in abundance.

I have heard love songs on the radio, and instead of hearing the singer sing of his/her love for someone else, or in the case of christian music, his/her/our love of God… what I hear is God singing God’s Love for Each.Of.Us. Gods.Love.For.Me

The last time I ever preached at church. probably 10 years ago, this happened… not with a song, but with my own sermon. I spoke of God’s Love for us; I remember a metaphor I had read just prior to that sermon which spoke of God’s Love for Us being like all the waters of Earth’s greatest river, the Amazon, flowing out to water one little plant (each of us). And as I preached I had this profound experience of seeing each person in the congregation through God’s eyes. I was struck dumb, my heart felt close to exploding.

And I cried. Who couldn’t? Who wouldn’t?

Five years ago my mother died. The Sunday after she died, a man at church sang a song in honor of Mom. And in his voice, I heard God’s love for me. And then, it all went black.

My sense of God’s loving presence was gone. It’s strange now. I knew God never left, only my awareness of God’s presence, of God’s love. And even stranger is, I can’t pin down when it was that I started to sense it again. Has it been months? Or years? But it is back.

This past Sunday, that same man sang for us all. Clyde sang “Hello” by Lionel Richie. It’s a sweet love long. But hear it as God’s Love Song to Us. It was another powerful experience for me of God’s Love for us all. It is so awesome to sense God’s love, but more awesome still to know that God loves everyone, and to experience somehow that all-encompassing love. To experience God’s love for oneself and to know it includes and is equal to God’s love for everyone around me.

I’ve been alone with you inside my mind
And in my dreams I’ve kissed your lips a thousand times
I sometimes see you pass outside my door
Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You’re all I’ve ever wanted, (and) my arms are open wide
‘Cause you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much, I love you

I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again how much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow
Hello, I’ve just got to let you know

‘Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven’t got a clue
But let me start by saying, I love you

Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
‘Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven’t got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you

This song, followed by the sermon of Rev. Terri Steed, our interim pastor while Pastor Tom is on Sabbatical, really was the moment for me. As Terri stood before us, and said “You have to know something. I love Jesus. And when I talk about Jesus, I cry.” And as she spoke, she did indeed cry. And that too spoke to my heart, and helped me know that maybe… just maybe… that darkness I wrote about here is gone… hopefully for good.

Clyde’s singing was one of the 5 top experiences of my years at MCC Omaha.

Pastor Terri’s sermon was also one of the 5 top experiences. Perhaps it was the combination of the two. In fact I’m sure it was.

I do have to add a note, though. I’m currently reading and discussing a serial novel online. This week the topic came up of Duty vs Love. And as we discussed it we all readily acknowledged that the two aren’t separable.

God’s Love is manifest in all we see and say and hear and do and to pretend otherwise is missing out on the point.

I can’t understand how anyone could truly believe that God Hates anyone. Disappointed in, yes. But HATES?

We live in a time that puts our Christian faith to the test. Because we are called to love… everybody. Please show me where there was an “except…” in Jesus words. We are called to love. Period. That means, I have to put aside my anger and, yes, hatred, of certain Bishops, Archbishops, and Popes, and return only love. It means I have to put aside my contempt for a certain clan of people who like to picket funerals with obnoxious, disgusting signs, and return instead love.

And I have to put aside my hatred of those who attack me, or my family, or my country, who openly expose for the world to see their hatred of us… and return only love.

Yeah. I’m a bleeding-heart-liberal. Deal with it. Just remember, however you choose to “deal with” what I just wrote…

I love you.